I am a towny: grandma and grandpa, grandpa worked at G.C., parents, aunts/uncles, brick house, green house, and this was my church! whitlock (weddings & baptism)
All of this being said, I was NOT going to go to G.C. As time got closer, only college I could choose and made sure all my intentions were right. I was afraid, because I didn’t necessarily want to be here or know what I wanted to do, and the Lord has blessed me far more than I could have ever imagined. For those of you who don’t know, I’m leaving next Wednesday for Africa. The two most common things people have been saying to me are, “You are going to have a great time!” and “Aren’t you scared?”
Who’s afraid of snakes? Spiders? The dark? Pick me!. Well… this is about that. This about the real, legit… fear. Not a physical fear, something deep inside that you can’t shake. Have you ever felt that? Your just confused about the world, whats right, whats wrong, did I just mess up, what are they thinking about me, is that technically a sin… kinda fear.
Plenty of times in my life when I was scared… like pretty much the entire last semester. I brought it upon myself… but I learned that I don’t like scary movies and haunted houses. Effect me enough (crying, no sleep, shaky, bad dreams) and I learned my lesson! Plain and simple. Didn’t help me in anyway, especially spiritually.
When trying to confront that kind of fear, people have told me to give it to God, just give your fear to God. But what am I supposed to do if I’m afraid of confronting God? And to add to it, the Bible tells me I am supposed to Fear the Lord. What? So I’m supposed to give my fear to a guy that I’m supposed to be afraid of. That makes sense. But really… I guess in some way… I really am afraid of God.
Are you ever scared because you get mad at God? Sometimes I get mad at God for making me human. I am unavoidably a sinner and am for sure going to die. I hate thinking that we have this standard that we can never fulfill. That’s not fair! If God always provides a way out, then why do I feel so trapped? Do I go to him, do I not?
And I often get scared of being scared, or having doubt, or having questions. You hear is said that it’s ok to feel those things… so why do I sometimes not feel ok? Sometimes I get scared of all this because it shows vulnerability. It shows weakness. I hate that, especially when I let fear control my life, and because of that, I get sad a lot, for a lot of various reasons.
You know those moments in your life when you think about something in your past and it just makes your stomach turn and it feels like someone has stabbed you? I did that? No way. Me? I couldn’t have, I know better.
Do you ever get mad at the thought that God was fully divine and fully human… yet he never sinned?! That doesn’t sound fully human to me… He never had to deal with sin, regret, guilt, shame. He never had to approach… or avoid… God in that way. Prof. Huston and I talked… when He died he took on the sins of the world, but it just doesn’t seem the same… and because that process even goes through my mind… I get scared.
Pastor Doug – screw God! You would never say that out of fear of the Lord!
Is anyone afraid of dying? I used to be. In fact, the other night when I was practicing this, I had a dream that night that I died. Sometimes it hits me, sometimes harder than others that someday, I am going to die. When you don’t think past that, it’s kinda scary. Some people aren’t afraid of being remembered or that their just wasting their life… So fix that. Make the decision to make something of yourself… not for yourself, but for Gods glory.
I read this verse just tonight actually… Don’t be afraid of dying… be afraid of not living.
And you might be saying, but Kristin… what if I’m afraid of living. But don’t you just hate the feeling of being hopeless? Like you have nothing going for you, you’re lost, you don’t have anything or anyone to lean on, you feel overwhelmed, spinning in these never ending cycles of stress and doubt and worry and it just never stops
That’s where my problem comes in. I was the most scared when I didn’t have God leading me into the battles. Every. Single. Day is a battle. I have to constantly remind myself who is in charge. I can’t lead, no way. I’m just too stubborn to admit it sometimes. I use my stubbornness to hide my fear, my shame, my guilt, and when I do that it doesn’t show weakness, at least not through my own eyes.
Lyrics that really like… Rap song I was introduced to this summer – lyrics of “Got me living for your glory stead of living to retire” Love it! What’s the point of this life if God isn’t in it? What would your life look like? That kinda scares me.
I wouldn’t be at Greenville College, I wouldn’t have the same friends, the same family background, the same jobs, the same future goals and plans… EVERYTHING would be different. What would the purpose of life be? That kinda scares me to think about.
The other lyric… “There lies a faith in the absence of control” I’m scared. I’m confused. I have doubts. My life gets a little out of control a lot. But that’s where I can show my faith at its strongest sometimes.
Those had me thinking about a deeper fear of mine… my fear of intentions. What am I doing with my life? Why am I making the decisions that I am? What is my drive to get out of bed each morning and go to class or work?
For example, whenever I get up to pray with someone or be prayed for, I have to really keep myself in check. Am I going because I really want to help someone or really need prayed for, or am I going because I want the person next to me to think I’m a “good Christian” Same goes with raising my hands.
You’ve all heard “faith without actions is dead.” But I personally have to focus on “actions without faith is dead.” I know that a lot of the times, my actions are not to bring God glory, but myself. What scares me about that is… God knows when I’m doing that. Even if no one else does, and they think that I’m being genuine, I know deep down I’m doing it out of selfish ambition.
Something else I struggle with along those lines is prayer. I all too often forget WHO I am talking to. When we pray, we close our eyes and sometimes fold our hands so we won’t be distracted… by why do we bow our heads? Because we are talking to the God of the universe! Prayer can come in all shapes and sizes and be done for a variety of reasons… but please don’t forget who you are talking to! We bow our heads and bend our knees because we are saying “God, I am a servant of you, and I humble myself before your presence” And all that sometimes scares me that I’m messing up.
Sometimes I get scared when I sing worship songs. It says that “I am” doing something for God, that I “give it all.” Or that “The joy of the Lord is my strength”? I sure don’t feel that some times, and I know that I’m not really doing that. Then I feel guilty, and the cycle begins. Sometimes they feel so empty to me, like I’m just singing the words just because it’s what everyone else is doing.
One lyric that always sticks out to me… “I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ.” Me?! A conqueror!? No… didn’t you see what I did… or didn’t do? Or how I feel? Knowing that… and really believing that…It gives me a sense of power and strength, and that I can defeat and fear, any sadness, any doubt that comes my way.
So what is the overarching why and because of all this? I have no idea. But I do know that it has something to do with bringing glory to God and bringing forth a kingdom in which EVERYONE has an opportunity to experience God in some way, and that that the bad kind of fear is not an option in my life anymore. Fear can be a good thing, sometimes it helps us stay on track, but it is NOT going to control me.
Conqueror: 1. to overcome (an enemy, army, obstacle, feeling, desire, etc); 2. to gain possession or control of by or as if by force or war; 3. to win
Co: 1. together or mutuallyHeir: 1. indicating partnership or equality; 2. a person who inherits or has a right of inheritance in the property of another following the latter's death. (Jesus death offered us forgiveness and a chance for redemption by dying on the cross.)
I am an over-comer of all my enemies, obstacles, feelings and desires, and have a mutual partnership in inheriting and having the right to all redemption and forgiveness with Christ.
Be intentional with your life. If you’re going to be afraid about something, be afraid about not making the most of it and that someone might not experience God’s presence. I often think to myself… How dare I take my life for granted so much that it causes someone else unbelief or doubt. I want them to see me and say, “I want what she has.” I have a passage and then one last thing and then I’ll be done. The passage says, “The fear of the LORD leads to life; then one rests content, untouched by trouble.”
It’s not all about being afraid of God. To fear the Lord means to have a completely transformed life, and when we recognize that and God sees that, sees our true intentions, I don’t think he’s ready to beat me with a whip and shun me away. He’s looking down, pointing, and saying… That’s my child. What a beautiful creation I have made.
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